FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Shower sex be like:
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful