Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
You Might Also Like
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside