FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!