Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”