Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.