Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Try and stop me.
There’s only one good girl here!
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?