My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
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Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I love it all
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
This fish is cracking me up
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Okay me first
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.