Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.