Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again