Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You Might Also Like
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
🙋♀️
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”