I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.