Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Birds & Planes.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”