Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler