Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
You Might Also Like
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
We’re all getting idioter.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.