Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Livid.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*