Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Anime is real
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume