Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Seems a bit forward
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.