@1followernodad: Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay? ME: I will. [later] WIFE: What the hell? [6 puppies run by] ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
@sadengels: 7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i'm a communist
@TommyWallace: Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
@darrinfb: You never really realize how messed up your family is, until you start describing them to people that don't know them.