Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order