Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Omg 🤣
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.