FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
huge if true: the moon
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?