Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Livid.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!