Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
You Might Also Like
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
😎 🍻
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND