Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window