Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
A roof is a house hat.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers