@clindsaysway: Fun trick to play on your partner: "Don't you remember what day this is?"
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@WheelTod: Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they're riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
@velvettusk: My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
@chrisdowning: When something at the hardware store says it's universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm black?? Cop: Sir, you're white, driving 90 in a 30. Me: Racist. Cop: Get out.