[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
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‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Rt to bother an English speaker
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Pat is about to own someone
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not