Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?