“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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🤣🤣
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
what does he know…
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin