Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp