“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
You Might Also Like
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Good boy 😂😂
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before