[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Name this drama.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.