[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
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My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*puts words between two asterisks*
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
then why did i get this email
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.