@WheelTod: Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom's, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn't afford a decent magic show.
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@Pro_Jones_: Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP Me: I'm woke Kids: How woke? Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
@sip_at_home_mom: You know that kid on the field who's too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He's mine, and he's not even on a team.
@rolldiggity: 1. Hide babies all over house. 2. If a kid asks, "Where do babies come from?" laugh, "Where DON'T they come from!" and open every cabinet.