Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
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The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?