Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
They got Raph!
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.