[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Lmao
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.