My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!