Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.