What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
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“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them