If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Room with a view.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?