Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
time for some seasonal decor
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.