You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
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I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage