@AmyLondon: @funTweeters TIL:The phrase "I plead the fifth" comes from the minimum volume of alcohol one can blame for committing the alleged infraction
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@Adyaces: Doc: You need to lose some weight. Me: How? Dr: Don't eat anything fatty. Me: Like pies and chips? Dr: No. Don't eat anything, fatty.
@Skullcat: Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It's only 3 digits & he said it's only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
@GingerHotDish: Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat? Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.