HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Great game to play with friends
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Whoa… oh I see lol
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…