[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Well, this is awkward
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like