Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.