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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap