fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon