@KevinFarzad: FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.
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@emily_murnane: My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition. Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
@pbear79: I cashed in my swear jar today... The guy at the Rolls Royce dealership said he'd never done a transaction in change before.
@WheelTod: [First Date. Full moon] Her: You looked different in your profile picture. Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
@murrman5: Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let's combine forces and we could be the best thing since...well we'll think of that later.