@sarousti: FYI - so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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@WilliamAder: As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it's a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
@Kyle_Lippert: Steps to getting into her pants: 1) Wait for her to fall asleep 2) Take her pants off 3) Put them on yourself 4) Find a top that matches
@3sunzzz: A millennial told me that he and his friends weren't on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, "Finally, we won!"
@jimmytorosian: Scissors Commercial: *Montage of people karate chopping paper in half* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better... Nevermind that was rad