FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I want what they have
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone