Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Pass gas, not judgment.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do