game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The Compass
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.